Life not wasted…

I have a hard time caring for people.  I care about them.  I want to care for them.  But I have a really difficult time caring enough about them to make me actually care for them.

Let’s not waste any time making up excuses as to why I can’t do this.  It’s not time.  It’s not money.  It’s not kids.  It’s not other commitments.  Let’s get right down to it.  It’s me.  It’s my selfish desire to be comfortable.  To not have to think about someone else’s problems.  To not have to deal with someone else’s problems.

There.

I said it.

The truth’s out.  I suck at caring.  I’m selfish and I like to spend my money and time on me and my family and the people I already like.  And frankly, I don’t really like to spend much of it on them either.  I already told you, I’m selfish. 

Seriously, though, this is one of those issues that I’ve just been really, really, really lazy about putting any effort into.  I’m not one to say, “It’s just me, who I am, and I can’t change.”  No.  That’s not me.  To me, that’s a cop-out.  That translates into “I don’t want to put any effort into changing so I’m just gonna say I can’t.  That way I don’t have to try and you can’t rag me about it.”   I may be selfish but I’m not so selfish as to believe that.  I know I can change.  And I do want to.  I want to care for people better.  I don’t just want to care for people better, but I want to want to care for people better.

Does anybody else deal with this kind of nonsense?

I mean for years I’ve been sensing this call to do some serious community integration.  I’ve been praying about it.  Thinking about it.  Planning it.  And there’s all this stuff happening… It’s like all these things are being poured into a funnel – the prayers, the prodding, the planning – and it’s just about ready to be poured out. 

And I gotta be ready.  We have to be ready as a family.  It’s like I see all this happening and I’m nodding, saying, “yeah, yeah.” And I’m still not moving.  I’m saying “let’s go.”  But I’m still standing here.  All I can think is that the devil’s got the lead on my feet and I’m not strong enough to pick them up. 

But I am.  Because I know I have God’s power.  Clearly, I’m not strong enough to do this, but I know that He is.  He has prepared these good works that we should walk in them.  He’s already done it.  Already provided the means and led the way.  I just have to walk in them.  We just have to walk in them.  

Repentance and prayer.  This is where we are.  Will we repent and pray for His guiding hand in this?  It’s the only way life will progress.  Time will advance, either way, but nothing will be better if we do nothing.  Oh, things might be easy enough and I’m sure it’d be pleasurable but things wouldn’t be better.  The only way things will change, people will change… I will change… is if I really do this.  I don’t want to be stuck here in the land of ‘maybe someday when I get around to it.’  ‘Cause you know what?  I won’t get around to it.  There will always be plenty of shiny things to chase that will lead me absolutely nowhere but older.  This is not life.  This is nonsense.  This is waste.  Life wasted.  On nothing.  I cannot allow that to be my fate.  Or the fate of my family.  My kids can do anything with their lives and I will be thrilled so long as they not waste it away.  So long as they do something and not nothing.  This one thing I must teach them. 

It’s time to shake this devil off. 

it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back…

 

-knittingprose

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